Balancing Weight

This isn't a weightloss blog, but this is what my post shall be about today. And as with many posts I'm not sure where this will go. We'll have to see.....

Although my mother may disagree, I was a chunky kid. High cholesterol blood tests to prove it and all. I don't think I was ever "fat" but I had some extra padding and in my eyes I was always the "bigger sister." The thing is, it's not like I wasn't active. I was. And I don't remember over indulging. Or anymore than those around me. It wasn't until I broke my leg and had a controlled diet (via the hospital) that I seemed to turn the corner. Not saying that's all that did it. I think hitting a growth spurt definitely kicked my metabolism into gear. In junior high I continued riding horses, meaning I got the kickin' thighs. I can only imagine how much healthier I could have been if my diet had not consisted on Burger King as our nightly dinner stop. Those that aren't into horses will find this hard to understand but that's what our lifestyles allowed. Even with boarding the horses (having someone do most of the work) we found ourselves getting off school, getting our homework done ASAP, grabbing fastfood for dinner, and then heading immediately out to the barn, only to find the rest of the evening was spent cleaning, riding, and maintaining what we had until it was time to head home, take a quick shower, and hit the sack. I also participated in organized sports through school in junior high. None of which I took all that seriously.

In high school I don't remember much about having issues with food/weight. Meaning, I don't remember really watching what I ate and not having the problem of overeating or undereating. However, my organized sport activity decreased to only JV cheerleading my sophomore year. My first year in college wasn't an issue either. Of course I didn't go away so there was no real issue of having the "Freshman 15." Well, that was until I got married. I definitely packed on some pounds after getting married. Nothing much, but I was no longer my "premarried weight." I didn't do much activity, other than being on my feet for 12-14 hours at work. David was constantly running or participating in PT (Physical Training). However, by the time we moved to Michigan, after the Marine Corps, we had let ourselves go. We let ourselves go in a big way. I was my heaviest at 140 pounds and David at 270 pounds. Yikes. Looking back we don't have many pictures from our time in Michigan. Probably a good thing given we were at the worst health in our entire lives. By the spring (6 months later) we had fire put under our butt. Dad was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and working his butt off. Literally. He watched everything he ate and ran his bike for miles on end. Mom was evening losing weight. What an inspiration. We decided to turn our lives around. We shared our meals, decreased the massive amount of bad carbs we were taking in, and started a small exercise routine (Nothing like what we do now. Just moving more instead of sitting and watching tv.) It was amazing how the pounds started to come off.

Fast forward to winter 2006-2007. We were darn close to where we were while in Michigan. Our weights weren't as high but the lifestyle we were living was definitely on the piss poor side of things. How could I let myself get this way again? Eating anything just because I want it. It was time to change a few things. David had started running with a few guys. I read about Erika running and was so inspired. I was at a loss. It wasn't until we were at an Indians game that it clicked. Jen Pohorence and I were walking around and we said, "Let's get out and run." We set a running date and away we went. That first run was grueling. I can only describe it as painful to the 10th degree. I shouldn't even call it a run given that I didn't even make it to the corner. No joke.

I was never a runner. Could never make it once around the track. Hell, I couldn't make it 1/4 way around the track. The first day of junior high track they said, "Go!" I turned to them and had the look of, "You want me to do what?" That's when I decided, it'd be shotput and disc for me. Yeah, 5'4 Heidi. Right. That wasn't promising even before the start.

Back to the first run....I laid on the bathroom floor after the first run feeling like I was going to pass out and vomit at the same time, my lungs burning, my boobs burning as though someone was twisting my nipples trying to rip them off, with tears coming down my cheeks. What the hell was I doing to myself??? I could've stopped there. And for some ungodly reason we went out the next day again. I got the bug. I didn't care that it hurt. Actual, I did care, but I had to do it. It was now or never. I had let running get the best of me my entire life. I wasn't going to let it happen again. Not only had I started the transformation of exercising but we both changed our eating habits. Since then, over the past year, we've made a concerted effort to watch what we eat. In addition, we hold each other accountable. We don't tear each other down, but we look to each other for support.

When I started running I found it not only to be a good form of exercise but also a stress reliever. I coupled that with my nutrition habits and saw such positive effects. I not only felt good, but felt good about myself. I felt on top of the world. That was until I let my anxiety/OCD step in. I no longer just felt like I wanted to run. I HAD to run. If I didn't, it wasn't a good thing. My attitude was bad. In addition, food was a trade-off. I was in no way anorexic, trust me, but after ironically reading an article and seeing what I was doing, I could see the mentality of anorexics. Scary weird. Once again, I was not anorexic, not even close, but I held running/eating so closely. When I couldn't/didn't run I felt guilty for eating. That's why the winter has been especially difficult for me. I couldn't run, so I'd try other exercise (pilates) to take the place. It at least made me feel better that I was doing something. Something was better than nothing. In all honesty I still feel this way.

More often than not I have those around me saying things like, "Stop counting calories...." or "Live a little..." or "You're already too thin. Don't lose anymore." But those that truly know me know that I do indulge. At this very moment I'm on the more indulgement end. Straight up, this scares me. I'm scared to "relapse" again back into eating whatever I want. I find myself making excuses for myself. "Oh I ran 10 miles, I can eat that." True, when you run more, you can eat more. And true, I do need rewards here and there but I still must remind myself of moderation and to make sound choices when I eat.

Obviously I still hold running/eating closely but not as close. It's just one more thing that I'm trying to balance in my life.