Psychotic? That's Me!

I've debated this post for awhile now. At first I didn't want to "air out my dirty laundry" but figured, eh well. Maybe it will help someone out there. Better yet, maybe I'll get some helpful information myself. Mental disorders run in my family. And I'm not just talking about my immediate family, I'm talking about my extended family as well. However, this has been a topic that's been hush hush for many years. It wasn't until the past couple years that I've found that my father, along with most of my extended family is either on a medication and/or speaks to someone about their depression/mental issues. I must say, this would've been great to know when I was in high school. There were times I felt whacked out only to tell myself, "You're overreacting. Just chill." Even after finding out a lot of my family members are being treated I still told myself, "You don't need any medication for this." In my opinion this just lead to more and more depression and anxiety.

I can't pinpoint when my problems came about. I think it was one of those things that kept piling up throughout my life, then finally just overflowed. I remember having certain nuances as a kid, especially with control. Life seems much more simple when you're a child, so in my mind, I could control most everything. For instance, a piece of debris on the carpet across the room. I'd stop watching tv, run and get it and throw it away, then run back and watch tv as though nothing happened. For almost anyone else, especially a child, this wouldn't have bothered anyone. I now know that this wasn't "normal" and understand that when I go through a cleaning rage I'm doing so because I feel I don't have control of something. Cleaning makes me feel I have control. This took me years to understand. Even still, I cannot deny those feelings and more often than not you can find me cleaning something around the house. I also see where my repetition issues may have been derived. The catholic church. I was raised in the catholic church. Going to a funeral recently I found everything was about structure and repetition, something I'd never really realized previously. When you'd go to church everything was mostly the same from week to week, with the exception of the Scripture and Homily. As a child, it made things easier to learn but it also made this structured, so anything away from structure, in my eyes, was a loss in control.

I loved my childhood. I was very lucky to be raised in a loving family. I believe this showed through my actions. I was the happy go lucky person wherever I went. Sure, I had the typical teenager issues with trying to fit in but for the most part you could find me with a smile on my face. I'm not sure when this changed. Looking back I think it started to fade my sophomore/junior year in high school. By the end of my junior year I didn't have many of the friends I had throughout my early days and I had mentally "checked out" of high school. I was done. I had lost my friends simply because I stood my ground on how I felt about controversial issues. For instance, drinking and partying. It just wasn't my thing, so I went my separate way. I continued to go to school, trying my best in my classes, but I just went through the motions.

From high school to now I still see myself as being very lucky with what I have. I still have my loving family, a loving, devoted, awesome husband, our pets that mean the world to us, we own a house, and are in a stable situation with our lives. Even with these positive things I still find myself looking on the negative side of things instead of looking on the bright side. I'm not that happy go lucky person I used to be. In addition, my "rages" make themselves present. And they are becoming more frequent. A little too frequent. It is a topic that comes up between David and myself quite often. He has continually encouraged me to seek out help. I've never denied that I have issues, I just didn't want to seek out "that" type of help. I wanted to control it myself through various activities. Running, blogging, etc. I didn't wear it as a badge of honor that I wasn't on a medication but I didn't want to rely on a medication to fix my problems. Most people that know me know that I'm not really into taking medication. My issues came to a head about a month ago. I had a meltdown and finally took the steps to getting help.

I can see why people don't get help for their problems. They don't know where to start. That'd be me. I was trying to navigate through the system, trying to determine what to do first. Should I try to find a psychologist? Just a normal doctor? My search started with psychologists/psychiatrists. When I kept hitting dead ends I scrapped that idea and went the general practitioner route. So I established myself with a family practice doctor and was happy with who I chose. I took a few tests and they pointed in the direction of biopolar/depression. Yep, I can see that in myself. To start, he put me on a medication called Symbyax. It seemed like the perfect medication....Anti-psychotic with anti-depressant. It took me a little time to acknowledge even the name anti-psychotic. I don't like to think I'm psychotic, but I am. The first day I took the medication in the morning. At exactly 2 hours I felt my body shut down. I was at work and couldn't keep my eyes open. I was slurring my words and can only compare the feeling to being drunk, even though I've never truly been drunk. It was so bad that my office manager had to drive me home. When I got home I hit the couch and was out for 4 straight hours. Not cool. The next time I took the medication I took it at night. Not too bad, but it had horrible residual effects the following day. I still couldn't keep my eyes open. I was a zombie. I continued the medication for 5 days and finally said, "Nope, this isn't for me. I'm not even myself." So much for the perfect medication. I had a recheck this week and at that time we had to determine which direction I wanted to go.....anti-psychotic or anti-depressant. We chose anti-psychotic, as that's what my tests lean so much towards. However, it's the anti-psychotic medications that cause the drowsiness. As of now I've started on Seroquel and only time will tell. I took the first dose at 7pm on Wednesday. By 10pm I couldn't keep my eyes open. Here we go again. When the medication kicks in, it kicks in. The residual effects were the same the following day. I've continued taking the medication, hoping that the side effects will get better over time. I find that if I take it by 7pm I'll be fine the next morning for work. Even so I find I'm not myself. I find that I go through actions, knowing they're wrong, but keep going. For instance, I went to throw something away in the trash and went to the basement instead. I knew it was wrong but couldn't stop myself. Also, the weekends may pose issue given that I stay up later. I'll have to adjust it as needed and hope it goes well. Once again, only time will tell.

So this leads me to my final questions. Anyone out there have recommendations? And for those that are on medications, what are you on? Please feel free to email me if you don't want to post a comment.