Sensory Overload

I'm worried I'm in sensory overload and the holiday festivities haven't really even started.

Yesterday was a long day at work. Not busy long, but cleaning long. I was on my hands and knees almost all day dusting, vacuuming, cleaning closets, scrubbing baseboards.....the list goes on. I then went on the clean the 'rents bathrooms out of love. By the time I got home at 7:45pm I was tired. Then I started receiving some texts requesting my presence at a family get together. I figured, "why not?" I did a quick change of clothes and took off. I had a good time and enjoyed the company of my extended family. With that being said, it was a loud atmosphere and I left with a scratchy throat. My senses were heightened, but I was ok.

I then arrived home to big changes at our house. David had been eyeing a table at work that would work as an excellent tortoise table. He saw that it wasn't being used, asked around, and found that it could be ours. He was thrilled. I was thrilled. Until I saw it. It's huge. Ultimately it will be excellent for our tortoises (Yes, we now have two. There's more to that story. Too much to discuss here.) It's well built, probably worth more than we know and we'll save time and money by reusing it in some other way than it was originally meant for. However, it screws with the dynamic of our Bright Cat Room we recently remodeled this summer. I'm not necessarily into feng shui, but if I was, this isn't jiving. My surrounding have to feel "right." After my senses were already heightened, they elevated many more notches.

As time went on I could feel my anxiety rise. I tried to take a step back, get it in check. Unfortunately, I'm not always that good. I can't describe the experience I go through when this happens. My normal emotions usually go something like this.....I want to scream, then cry, then vomit, then clean, and then purge stuff from my surroundings. I've found that if I don't feel I have control over a situation, I gain control through cleaning. I basically feel like a cat with FIC right now. Yes, the disorder our cat has. When they stress out, they manifest their stress in the bladder, feeling like they constantly have to urinate. Obviously, I don't feel like I have to urinate, but I sympathize with the guy when he has an episode of FIC. Let's hope this table doesn't set off an episode for him!

So, David was expecting to share his joy with me and what he got was a buzzkill. Sometimes I suck. We sat and discussed for a good hour or so how we're going to make this new setup work. Or better yet, work the tortoise table into the room, making a new setup, that will work. More than likely we won't be able to use some furniture pieces that we were using before. I do know this, over the past year I've tried to de-clutter the house. And I'm going to try my hardest to keep it that way. It's going to take some innovation to make this room work. Obviously we went to bed with our house in disarray.

I went to bed exhausted but with my mind racing and my anxiety continued to my dreams. Dreaming about Dormitor/Torb combos (don't ask) for work, anesthetizing and performing glucose curves on animals, worrying that we're not going to make it to the family gathering because we're making an impromptu trip to Minnesota...all the while waking up every half hour, sweating my butt off. Needless to say I didn't wake up well rested. Not only that, but I woke up to a house in disarray. Why couldn't it all have been fixed while we slept overnight?

I'm excited about our family gathering today, but I can't help but think about the general stressors that come with times with family over the holidays. You know it's usually a good time, but you'll ultimately have those moments of stress.

Trying to put these feelings into words seemed impossible to me. I could see it in my head, but knew that it would translate different if I wrote it out. But I do know I feel better than you can imagine just sitting down to write it out. I'm thankful for that. Because, although I don't usually drink, at 5:30am and I was tempted to take a few sips to take that edge off. No joke. I think this was a better choice.

Hoping that my this sensory overload continues to ebb and that joy reigns over the next few days....

Super Herb!

Wanted to give you a quick update on Herbie. He's doing wonderful! With the added heat light, misting his habitat more, providing a different water source, and trying different foods, we think he's come around. As with Elwood, his personality is starting to show and boy, can that herbivore eat! We've been so happy with his progress, as we were horribly worried about the guy.

Eat

A russian tortoise eating isn't all that exciting. However, if he's been on a hunger strike it's very exciting. For some reason we've only seen Herbie eat once since we've acquired him. We knew that he may not eat that often, but he needs to eat some! In addition, he seemed in a funk yesterday. We worked on his habitat and I gave him a bath this morning in hopes of stimulating him. When I left for work I left food with him. When David got home his food was gone. David gave him more and he went to town. Whew. He had his vet tech mama quite worried. Not to mention daddy too. =( David even had went to the store to get a new lightbulb and asked the manager for assistance. They offered to trade him in. We'd get a different tortoise and Herbie would go to a special vet to be seen. As with Lily we didn't want to give up on him. At the same time we don't want a dead tortoise either. We've done our research and am trying to supply him with the best habitat we can. Only time will tell, but hopefully he continues on adjusting to his new environment.

Our New Weedeater

David has been wanting a Russian Tortoise for over a year now.....so to celebrate his passing the boards and an early anniversary gift we went out and added a new member to our family. His name is Herbie. David named him for herbivore....I see it more as he looks like a VW bug. Either way, he's cool. He won't get big and should live for a long while. He likes to keep busy but he's still working on coming out of his shall. Ha! Ha! I never wanted to be considered an "animal house" but I think it's safe to say we are. Ah well. They bring joy to our lives and I hope we bring joy to them.

Welcome Herbie!

I'm Back!

I believe the old Heidi is back. Don't know if that's a good thing or not....

Most everyone knows that I attempted to treat my depression and anxiety for the past 4-5 months through medication. Previous to my speaking with the doctor I had tried various other options over the past several years. Exercising, positive thinking, and mental exercises. I finally decided to speak to someone on the subject and was finally lead to medication. I was hesitant to take anything but I told myself it wasn't a sign of weakness but strength acknowledging I had a definite issue. I went into the situation with a positive outlook. Being open-minded with no real expectations. I just went with the flow. As stated in previous posts I've been on several medications and finally settled on Zoloft. I thought I had the answer with Zoloft. I had no adverse immediate reactions and after several weeks in I was feeling GOOD. Positive yet laid back.

The weird thing was this "good", laid back feeling continued to increase to the point where I wasn't too comfortable. I had never had the sensation of being so chill. To get things done I'd have to keep mentally telling myself to, "Go pay pills. You need to run. Cleaning needs to be done." Basically daily things needed to be done, yet I could never get enough fire under my butt to get it done. Eventually it'd get done but I felt as though I was failing and losing my edge. Knowing that, I told myself, "It's okay. Let your body go and do what it needs to do." It scared me, but I attempted let things fall into place.

As time went on my running fell to shit. I couldn't get myself up in the mornings to run. The alarm would go off, I'd turn it off and tell myself, "I'll run tomorrow," reset the alarm and sleep for another hour. I did this knowing full well that more than likely I'd do the same thing again tomorrow. I recognized my actions but it was as though I couldn't change them because my mind wouldn't allow me. It was almost as though I was in denial. And when I did go on a run I felt slow. Now mind you, we all know I'm slow to begin with, but the medication made me slip to an even slower pace. I didn't feel good before, during, or after my runs. Nothing like a little negative reinforcement to make me not want to run the next day. At first I thought this was all because of finishing my training for the half marathon. You know, you reach your climax and then all of the sudden it's done. For the longest time I told myself that's what my problem was, but deep down I knew it wasn't the issue.

In addition, I found myself very tired being on the medication. It wasn't like I was exhausted and walking on a cloud the entire time, but if I had a moment to close my eyes, I would. Whew, and my dreams...I've always been a dreamer and can remember my dreams but being on the medication led to vivid dreams where I could remember every little detail and oftentimes they were confrontational with people that are in my life. Dreams are cool and all but I like to get a good sleep every once in awhile and I definitely didn't dig fighting with people all night. Not cool.

Finally I found that my memory was totally shot. I've always had a super memory. Most people that know me would say that I'm a person that can rattle off almost any situation throughout my life. Stories, where I was when I saw/heard something, and stupid non-important stuff. I was to the point where I couldn't remember what I had done the previous day. Coworkers would as me about a case and I'd say, "I didn't do that...." I'd then look at the chart and see that yes, I did perform an injection, or whatever it may have been. And lastly, I could be holding a conversation with someone and couldn't remember from one moment to the next what point I was trying to get across. I don't know too many work situations where this wouldn't be an issue but these were symptoms that I felt compromised my situation to a point which was unacceptable given I'm constantly communicating with clients and dealing with a variety of medications, from preparing to administering.

So I decided to begin weaning myself off of the medication. I cut my dose in half and had no issues the first several days. Then on one day my schedule changed where I totally forgot to take my medication along with my other vitamins, etc. This happened 3 days in a row. By the 3rd day I figured since I had weaned myself off of the medication and had now been off of it for 3 days I'd be fine.That's when the real hell began. I began having this "trailing" sensation with my eyes/mind. I'd move my eyes and it was as if they had to catch up. I also became sensitive to any noises and light changes. Small changes seemed extreme in my mind. That came and went and by the 3rd day of being off of the medication, as if the trailing wasn't enough I started having almost a dizzy feeling. Any little move would throw me off balance. And then the nausea kicked in. I never vomited, but man oh man did I want to. The last symptom that came about was my ears/hearing being muffled. It wasn't constantly but it'd come and go randomly for seconds at a time. I had the physical sensation of my eardrums moving, which having my increased reaction to sensations, was not comfortable one bit. All of these symptoms totally threw me for a loop. I figured I was just having withdrawal from the medication but it truly scared the shit out of me wondering if I had some other problem(s) going on. The sensations left me feeling like I had low blood sugar so I'd eat but then the nausea would kick in hard core. I attempted to keep my normal day to day activities but finally came to the point where I know I needed to take some time off of work. And attempting to run during all of this was going on was a feat in itself. I hadn't felt that bad on runs since I started running. My heart and lungs hurt like you wouldn't believe. My legs cramped up. I could only finish about 1.5 miles and then had to walk almost the rest of my 3 mile route. I was totally bummed. I even got to the point when I checked my blood sugar on the glucometer to verify I wasn't having severe highs and lows. The readings proved to be normal so this confirmed I was definitely having some withdrawal issues. I just wanted them to end and hoped it'd come soon.

After having over a week's time of issues my symptoms began to lift on Monday afternoon. What a relief. By Tuesday morning I had my zest back to life. I literally hoped out of bed ready to run and beat David out the door. To top it off my run was flippin' awesome! And even better, today's run proved to be another great run. I'm so happy to be back.

Of course this leaves me with my depression/bi-polar issues. I'm not sure what my gameplan is but at this point I had to decide the lesser of two evils and my choice was to get off the medication and try to find my happy medium in another way. But at this point I'm lovin' having the old Heidi back.

Updates

Looking at the calendar I can't believe we're already in August for the year 2008. It's true that time moves faster when you get older.

Yesterday was Spencer's 1 month anniversary of joining our family. He has made himself right at home. And even after a few rough spots in the adjustment period it's gone quite smooth and we're glad we made the decision to not only adopt a greyhound, but chose Spencer to adopt. Actually, it's more like he chose us.

I figured I'd also update you on a couple other things. I've been a lacto-ovo vegetarian for 2 months now. It's still going well with no real glitches. As with anything it's easy to be an unhealthy vegetarian, but I think I'm doing well. Think about it, you could be a vegetarian and eat potato chips all day. Not good. I believe I allow myself a decently well-rounded diet. I can't remember the last time we even had fast food. It's not like I have many choices if we were to go there so we just don't. I had my first craving 2 weeks ago. It was for a Whopper with cheese. I definitely knew it was truly a want considering I haven't had BK in over 2 years. While in Michigan we ate there a couple times and every time I felt sick afterwards. It didn't take long for us to avoid going there. My other craving was rice krispie treats. But considering marshmallows have gelatin, a no-no, I avoided them. Come to find out that they do have vegan marshmallows and marshmallow treats. I'm gonna have to buy some of those. So that's going well, which I'm very happy with.

It's also been 4 months since I've been on Zoloft. I believe I can say that it does work. My anxiety and compulsiveness has been taken down several notches. The downside is that I see that my compulsiveness is lowered and I try to fight it with no success. My body's not used to letting things slide so my mind gets torn. For instance, running. I know I should run and want to run but I find myself saying, "Oh I'll do it later..." Same thing we accomplishing simple tasks like cleaning or reading. In addition my memory seems shot. I'm not kidding when I say I can sit down at the computer determined to look something up, a different thought enters my mind for 1 second and I can't remember what I had wanted to look up. This is quite scary to me as I've always had an awesome memory and can recall any detail when asked. And sometimes I'll even do this when I'm talking. My mind wanders and I find it hard to put my thoughts together to make a sentence. And these past 2 things (less compulsiveness and memory) combine sometimes. I'm a list maker so I always have 1 to 2 lists going at all times. Previously this was an obsessive thing and something I really didn't need. Now I do need it for memory but since my compulsiveness is gone I find myself either forgetting or putting off making a list. I could also sleep all day if my schedule allowed me. I do attribute some of this to being worked into the ground while at work. I'm throughly exhausted by the time I step foot in the door. So I wasn't surprised that when I sat down to read at 7 last night I ended up falling asleep on the couch for 2 hours and then slept through the night. I awoke at 5am today and I could definitely hit the hay right now if I could. I've always been a dreamer. I also tend to remember my dreams. However, since being on the medication my dreams haven't ceased and have only become more vivid and realistic. To the point where I'm always waking up saying, "Did that really happen?" Not to mention, I can recall every detail in them. Why's my memory so good with the dreams and not the rest of my life? So I guess what I'm saying is that there are trade-offs to the medication. It's do what it's supposed to be doing but I'm not sure if I necessarily like it. I guess I need to determine if I want to have a good memory and be compulsive or have a poor memory and be laid back. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too. But damn, I love cake.

Funk

This girl's been in a funk. Not necessarily a bad funk, just a funk. As I stated in a previous post I haven't been able to get off my butt to run. Actually, I have run but I just can't seem to get onto a schedule. The alarm will go off and I'll tell myself, "I'll run tomorrow," reset my alarm, and roll over for another hour of sleep. This wouldn't be so bad but when I'm doing it more days than not it's not a good thing. I'm maintaining my minimum of 10 miles a week but I feel like I'm doing so little versus what I was doing a couple months ago. Mind you I'm not training for a Half but still, I should have some fire under my butt. And it's not like I'm burned out on running. If anything I just getting to the "sweet" part. If I hold guilt over myself I tend to get myself going but there are some days that it doesn't work. So today I reset my alarm and slept one more hour. But come the end of the workday I told myself, "I gotta run," and held myself to it. It was tough with the humidity and the weather heating back up but as always it was worth the sweat and discomfort.

Not only am I having a funk in running but obviously my blogging too. I've backed off of my blogging for some unknown reason. I seem to always have something else going on, and I'm not really the type of person to sit down and write a line or two. It will always be a book.

So the only thing I can attribute this to is my medication I've been on for 2 months. It may be, it may not be. This was one of my biggest concerns of getting on the medication....going from one extreme to the other. Obsessive to not caring. There have been some changes, obviously, but I do have some obsessive characteristics that remain. I do know this, I feel a difference in my general attitude and day-to-day activities that I'm back to the ol' Heidi. The one I remember from high school. Of course I've had some changes that come with time and age since then, but it's nice to have that carefree, happy, positive attitude, even if it's chemically induced. For instance....I'm the only person at work today with a full work schedule?? Ah, who cares. It's going to be a good day and this too shall pass. As with everything I'm trying to find that happy medium and although I'm not there and may never be at least I'm trying and it's much easier to bear.

To quickly run through our past weekend. J and Cass came into town on Thursday and we had a cookout Friday with them and both sets of 'rents. That evening we found the perfect spot to watch fireworks. We climbed on the roof of David's work van and took them in. It was a moment to remember and one I hope to repeat in years to come. Following firework everyone came to our house for a fire and wine. On Saturday the guys had a day of golf while the girls had a "spa" day. Cass, Tara, and Ande' all got massages from Sita. And we just hung out in general. That afternoon we went to a Greyhound fundraiser and had a ton of fun checking out all the pups. Pretty cool. The evening finished with a graduation party for David's cousin. On Sunday we took a trip down to Mansfield with David's 'rents and Grandma. It was Grandma Maria's birthday on the 4th and we celebrated by taking her to lunch and the Kingwood Center. We had a full weekend and I had a ton of chances to take some pictures and experiment with the new camera, which I LOVE by the way. Be sure to check out the pictures. It will take me some time to get used to it and I'm sure I'll never use it to it's full potential but I can have fun trying.

Psychotic? That's Me!

I've debated this post for awhile now. At first I didn't want to "air out my dirty laundry" but figured, eh well. Maybe it will help someone out there. Better yet, maybe I'll get some helpful information myself. Mental disorders run in my family. And I'm not just talking about my immediate family, I'm talking about my extended family as well. However, this has been a topic that's been hush hush for many years. It wasn't until the past couple years that I've found that my father, along with most of my extended family is either on a medication and/or speaks to someone about their depression/mental issues. I must say, this would've been great to know when I was in high school. There were times I felt whacked out only to tell myself, "You're overreacting. Just chill." Even after finding out a lot of my family members are being treated I still told myself, "You don't need any medication for this." In my opinion this just lead to more and more depression and anxiety.

I can't pinpoint when my problems came about. I think it was one of those things that kept piling up throughout my life, then finally just overflowed. I remember having certain nuances as a kid, especially with control. Life seems much more simple when you're a child, so in my mind, I could control most everything. For instance, a piece of debris on the carpet across the room. I'd stop watching tv, run and get it and throw it away, then run back and watch tv as though nothing happened. For almost anyone else, especially a child, this wouldn't have bothered anyone. I now know that this wasn't "normal" and understand that when I go through a cleaning rage I'm doing so because I feel I don't have control of something. Cleaning makes me feel I have control. This took me years to understand. Even still, I cannot deny those feelings and more often than not you can find me cleaning something around the house. I also see where my repetition issues may have been derived. The catholic church. I was raised in the catholic church. Going to a funeral recently I found everything was about structure and repetition, something I'd never really realized previously. When you'd go to church everything was mostly the same from week to week, with the exception of the Scripture and Homily. As a child, it made things easier to learn but it also made this structured, so anything away from structure, in my eyes, was a loss in control.

I loved my childhood. I was very lucky to be raised in a loving family. I believe this showed through my actions. I was the happy go lucky person wherever I went. Sure, I had the typical teenager issues with trying to fit in but for the most part you could find me with a smile on my face. I'm not sure when this changed. Looking back I think it started to fade my sophomore/junior year in high school. By the end of my junior year I didn't have many of the friends I had throughout my early days and I had mentally "checked out" of high school. I was done. I had lost my friends simply because I stood my ground on how I felt about controversial issues. For instance, drinking and partying. It just wasn't my thing, so I went my separate way. I continued to go to school, trying my best in my classes, but I just went through the motions.

From high school to now I still see myself as being very lucky with what I have. I still have my loving family, a loving, devoted, awesome husband, our pets that mean the world to us, we own a house, and are in a stable situation with our lives. Even with these positive things I still find myself looking on the negative side of things instead of looking on the bright side. I'm not that happy go lucky person I used to be. In addition, my "rages" make themselves present. And they are becoming more frequent. A little too frequent. It is a topic that comes up between David and myself quite often. He has continually encouraged me to seek out help. I've never denied that I have issues, I just didn't want to seek out "that" type of help. I wanted to control it myself through various activities. Running, blogging, etc. I didn't wear it as a badge of honor that I wasn't on a medication but I didn't want to rely on a medication to fix my problems. Most people that know me know that I'm not really into taking medication. My issues came to a head about a month ago. I had a meltdown and finally took the steps to getting help.

I can see why people don't get help for their problems. They don't know where to start. That'd be me. I was trying to navigate through the system, trying to determine what to do first. Should I try to find a psychologist? Just a normal doctor? My search started with psychologists/psychiatrists. When I kept hitting dead ends I scrapped that idea and went the general practitioner route. So I established myself with a family practice doctor and was happy with who I chose. I took a few tests and they pointed in the direction of biopolar/depression. Yep, I can see that in myself. To start, he put me on a medication called Symbyax. It seemed like the perfect medication....Anti-psychotic with anti-depressant. It took me a little time to acknowledge even the name anti-psychotic. I don't like to think I'm psychotic, but I am. The first day I took the medication in the morning. At exactly 2 hours I felt my body shut down. I was at work and couldn't keep my eyes open. I was slurring my words and can only compare the feeling to being drunk, even though I've never truly been drunk. It was so bad that my office manager had to drive me home. When I got home I hit the couch and was out for 4 straight hours. Not cool. The next time I took the medication I took it at night. Not too bad, but it had horrible residual effects the following day. I still couldn't keep my eyes open. I was a zombie. I continued the medication for 5 days and finally said, "Nope, this isn't for me. I'm not even myself." So much for the perfect medication. I had a recheck this week and at that time we had to determine which direction I wanted to go.....anti-psychotic or anti-depressant. We chose anti-psychotic, as that's what my tests lean so much towards. However, it's the anti-psychotic medications that cause the drowsiness. As of now I've started on Seroquel and only time will tell. I took the first dose at 7pm on Wednesday. By 10pm I couldn't keep my eyes open. Here we go again. When the medication kicks in, it kicks in. The residual effects were the same the following day. I've continued taking the medication, hoping that the side effects will get better over time. I find that if I take it by 7pm I'll be fine the next morning for work. Even so I find I'm not myself. I find that I go through actions, knowing they're wrong, but keep going. For instance, I went to throw something away in the trash and went to the basement instead. I knew it was wrong but couldn't stop myself. Also, the weekends may pose issue given that I stay up later. I'll have to adjust it as needed and hope it goes well. Once again, only time will tell.

So this leads me to my final questions. Anyone out there have recommendations? And for those that are on medications, what are you on? Please feel free to email me if you don't want to post a comment.

Frustrations

I'm just going to lay it out there. I'm suffering from some frustrations. I won't call it winter blues, because in all honesty I don't feel depressed...just frustrated. I'm not looking to readers for sympathy or negative comments. I just need to get it off my chest and this is where it will be.

The frustrations are plenty and basically I've found that it's a big circle and they feed off of eachother...

I've had some time off from work. I can't complain about that, but our pocketbook will. That then brings up me worrying about finances, which is never a good thing. As with every other instance I'm sure we'll be fine, but it still stinks to have that hanging over your head, always asking, "Do we really need this? Can we go another week without it? Where can I cut from or get extra money from?" Or just trying to space out our spending in general so we don't have a big whammy all at once. I'm sure ya'll know what I'm talking about.

I've also been at a point where I don't know what to do with myself, especially with all the time off. I feel like a waste of space. You can only clean so much, so I think to myself, "What next?" It'd be a great time for a home improvement project(s) but once again you're dealing with the money situation. Not to mention we're at a standstill with the downstairs bedroom. As of this point I think it's something we need to tackle in the spring, allowing the windows to be open to release dust, or even hiring someone to do it.

Alright, no home improvement projects, what next? I'm at a slow point during school, which once again is a good thing, so I've taken up some reading. Don't get me wrong, I've love being able to read, but I also want to be active. It's not like I want to or feel I have to be moving at all times, but I like to feel like I've accomplished something when the day is through. Which leads me to the next thing, running.

With the weather it'd be great to have a treadmill. Not happening....money again. Not only can I not run due to the weather, but even if it was favorable outside or I had a treadmill my running is at a total halt right now. The bottom line is my knee is still bothering me. I stand, it nags, I sit, it nags. No matter what, it's the same ol' thing. I think this is one of my biggest frustrations at this point. I want to be active, I need to be active, but I can't. People around me say, "Go to the doctor." Easy for them to say. As stated in a previous post, when you have limited coverage for this type of stuff you think twice. I understand it should probably be looked at. I recognize that. It still doesn't change my monetary affordability to have it looked at. I've done my research to see if I can pinpoint my symptoms and have it narrowed down. The problem is, depending on which one it is one says, continue performing as normal, whereas the other says, stop, let it rest, then continue. So I think to myself, "What should I do?" At this point I'm not running (obviously) and am supplementing with a Cosamin (Glucosamine + Chondroitin) which comes highly recommended from my boss and ibuprofen. I do think it's helped. Only time will tell.

With this setback I am beginning to question my participation in the Cleveland Half Marathon. With 69 days until the race, there's still time, if my knee issue subsides and I get back into gear. The thing is, I need the knee problem to cease and have enough time to gradually build my mileage back up to where I was at and then some. David has this fear too, as he's been unable to run also. He has the problem where his feet go totally numb and so then he'll lose his footing unexpectedly and tumble. Not to mention, he's truly in pain when all of his limbs go numb just after a few moments, or oftentimes in his case, before he even starts.

Not being able to run and being cooped up has also lead me to having some nutritional issues. Since I'm not burning the calories like I've been, the lbs have started to creep up on me over the past couple of weeks. It's not like I've gained 10-20 lbs, but another frustration. I'll admit that I don't have that great of nutrition whether I'm running or not (darn sweets!), but I definitely can't eat the amount of food I eat when I'm running. So at this time I need to readjust my eating habits and amount, which is never easy, especially when you're trying to cut back. Cross training would be great, although darn near impossible. Not having a gym membership, along with the crappy weather, doesn't give you choices. I just settle with my pilates and crunches. It's something, but not much in the scheme of things.

I think the whole "Wicked" thing this weekend put the cherry on top of my frustrations. Really it's not that big of a deal, especially now that refunds will be issued and our lives are more important than any amount of money, but it's just the point of it. It seems as though when we plan a trip, evet, etc. something happens. Recently it's been the weather. Hawaii...down the crapper for a multitude of reasons, especially weather. David's trip with his dad to Minnesota on Christmas Eve.....terrible snow storm that they had to drive through, which wasn't safe, and the Vikings still lost. And then "Wicked". Bummer. It makes me nervous to plan anything.

Looking ahead to the future, which is hopefully brighter.....Our next vacation is coming in the fall. However, I've been looking at the travel books only to find that October/November are the rainy months in the Caribbean. We knew it was hurricane season, which runs through summer and ends in November, but usually this isn't an issue, as the ship will travel around the storm, and there usually aren't too many, if any, problems. Still, I can only hope that weather won't ruin this vacation. If it does I may just lose my mind.

So that's it. My frustrations in a nutshell.

Pursuit Of Anxiety?

I probably shouldn't be sitting down to write as it is already 9:52am. It's my day off and boy did I sleep in. I know I probably shouldn't feel this way but I feel if I have a day off I should be running around getting something done. Obviously I'm not doing that. Anyway. I kind of feel like crap. Ever since about last Thursday I've had a toothache. It progessively got worse and by Saturday I was ready to have someone pull it out. And I was just going down the list in the phone book trying to find someone. If you know me I have a decent level of pain tolerance. I've even had 2 fillings done without any novacaine or anything. It was my choice against the doctor's wishes. And he said, "do you have any kids?" I said "no." And then he went on to say "well when you do that'll be a breeze for you." So if I say I'm in pain, I'm in pain. And Aleve didn't work. My glorious Aleve, that works for EVERYTHING didn't work. Finally my mom let me borrow this PreviDent stuff that's from our dentist that she just got. He said that it should help with any sensitivity. So I tried it. Finally! Relief. I don't know how it works, but it works. I went through the rest of the weekend pretty comfortably, but decided I'd call the dentist immediately on Monday morning. I did so and they got me in right away. I left work and went and had x-rays done and all. And they can't find a thing. Boo. Leave it up to me to have a problem that is unfixable. No signs of abscess or cavity and he said if anything he could possibly see a problem with another tooth that doesn't seem to me to be the one bothering me. So he gave me a stronger type of PreviDent and I'm on a soft food diet for a week. That's fun. No gum or soda. That's no problem because I don't chew gum or drink soda anyway. I stopped that the first time I had a problem like this about 6 years ago. At this time we're thinking something is bruised under my tooth or in my jaw that is causing the discomfort. And as we all know I have anxiety, etc. that makes me chew the inside of my cheeks and grit my teeth. So this is a good possibility. And if this doesn't work I have to go to the endodontist. And all I see is $$$. And for some reason this morning a headache has decided to greet me upon waking up. On a lighter note, David surprised me when I came home last night and said "let's go to the movies." So we did so and we saw The Pursuit Of Happyness. It was definitely a good movie, but you talk about anxiety......probably not a good thing to watch when I'm trying to stay away from that. You just feel for the guy and your heart hurts for him. Anyway. It was very good and made us appreciate all that we have, even though oftentimes we feel we have nothing. I better get productive.

Anxiety? What Anxiety?

Hello all! Today was an interesting day (what day isn't?) Try following me on this one.....My boss comes up to me first thing and says, "how was your weekend?" As usual I reply with a hearty "great!" and continue about my business. Later, he pulls me aside and says, "we were kind of worried about you last week. Did you get enough rest?" Once again, I say I was fine and even slept in until 10:00 on Sunday. He then continues saying, "well, what can we do to make sure you don't get burnt out again? I think you should take tomorrow off." ? ? ? I kind of look at him confused and say, "I'm fine, I've been fine, and really I don't need a day off." So about 15 minutes later the office manager (his wife) approaches me and says the same thing. So I finally say, "I'll take a day off, but only at your request...it's not my choice." So I go through the day thinking I'm having tomorrow off. And of course I begin to think to myself "this isn't going to be half bad. I'm going to get paid for a day off of work. sweet" Then the end of the day comes and drama begins. We look at the schedule for tomorrow and it's packed, including 3 procedures that require anesthesia. With me not coming in that leaves only 1 tech and 1 receptionist to carry the burden. I pull the office manager aside and say, "hey, do you REALLY want me to take the day off, it looks kind of hectic. I'm more than willing to come in, but I definitely don't want to be called in when the day's half over" She says, "no, we'll be fine. Just pass it by Doc to make sure." So I ask Doc the same question and he says, "crap, you better come in." Then the office manager says to him, "no, we'll be fine." So I said, "well, how about taking Friday off...." You see, him and the office manager will be gone, meaning less appointments, plus it'll allow me to have a 3 day weekend. And Doc says, "oh, this morning you don't want to take time off, but now you do." How dare him! So I explain, "when you have something given to you, then taken away, it kind of sucks." But he said, "no, that's not a good idea because they wouldn't have any back up if necessary." And the office manager said (in front of everyone) "You've been stiffed by the others, what difference would it make" Which is true. As stated in the last post, I'm always the one being called in. Being the low man on the totem pole and not having kids kind of puts me there......I'm the only tech that works full time now since the others have children. So we left it at me not coming in and then the girls tomorrow being slammed. Not something good to do. So the tech that was working today (not the same one tomorrow) was saying, "ooooh, she's going to be pissed tomorrow" and "when we worked full time we never got days off." So here we go.....I'm sitting there with tons of anxiety about ready to cry. I don't even want to take a day off and then it's going to come back on me, making me look bad. What's up with that? I didn't want to call the tech for tomorrow, I just couldn't. So the tech from today called the tech for tomorrow and then I finally received a phone call from the tech for tomorrow. She was fine with me, but was still pissed. Not to mention one of her kids is sick and she may even receive a phone call to leave work tomorrow to go pick him up. Which would leave the clinic with no one, and they're going to end up calling me. And she tells me not to pick up my phone, and just leave them hanging out there. So what am I to do? This is just straight up ridiculous. I'm darned if I do and darned if I don't. If I don't go in I'll leave the tech hanging and then possibly get called in or choose to leave the clinic hanging. And if I go in then the tech may get "mad" at me because she was hoping to make a point of the whole situation (calling the office manager out) and I may be screwed (once again) if she has to leave to pick up her kid. I just hate tension. I've already been in the situation where my coworkers don't care for me, and I never want to go back. I don't think my coworkers would make me an outcast, but you know how people talk and nit pick. What would you do? So after much thought and prayer, I feel there is only one answer. Go in to work as usual. It's just not me to leave anyone hanging. In my heart I can't do it. Call me a sissy or whatever you want, but that's how I stand. My coworker may not be able to call the office manager out, but the way I look at it, there will be less tension that way. And you never know, maybe they'll offer me a different day off (especially if I get screwed again). It doesn't matter anyway, since it wasn't my idea to begin with. Nothing lost. Nothing gained. I'll keep you posted. So did ya'll follow all of that????