Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Sensory Overload

I'm worried I'm in sensory overload and the holiday festivities haven't really even started.

Yesterday was a long day at work. Not busy long, but cleaning long. I was on my hands and knees almost all day dusting, vacuuming, cleaning closets, scrubbing baseboards.....the list goes on. I then went on the clean the 'rents bathrooms out of love. By the time I got home at 7:45pm I was tired. Then I started receiving some texts requesting my presence at a family get together. I figured, "why not?" I did a quick change of clothes and took off. I had a good time and enjoyed the company of my extended family. With that being said, it was a loud atmosphere and I left with a scratchy throat. My senses were heightened, but I was ok.

I then arrived home to big changes at our house. David had been eyeing a table at work that would work as an excellent tortoise table. He saw that it wasn't being used, asked around, and found that it could be ours. He was thrilled. I was thrilled. Until I saw it. It's huge. Ultimately it will be excellent for our tortoises (Yes, we now have two. There's more to that story. Too much to discuss here.) It's well built, probably worth more than we know and we'll save time and money by reusing it in some other way than it was originally meant for. However, it screws with the dynamic of our Bright Cat Room we recently remodeled this summer. I'm not necessarily into feng shui, but if I was, this isn't jiving. My surrounding have to feel "right." After my senses were already heightened, they elevated many more notches.

As time went on I could feel my anxiety rise. I tried to take a step back, get it in check. Unfortunately, I'm not always that good. I can't describe the experience I go through when this happens. My normal emotions usually go something like this.....I want to scream, then cry, then vomit, then clean, and then purge stuff from my surroundings. I've found that if I don't feel I have control over a situation, I gain control through cleaning. I basically feel like a cat with FIC right now. Yes, the disorder our cat has. When they stress out, they manifest their stress in the bladder, feeling like they constantly have to urinate. Obviously, I don't feel like I have to urinate, but I sympathize with the guy when he has an episode of FIC. Let's hope this table doesn't set off an episode for him!

So, David was expecting to share his joy with me and what he got was a buzzkill. Sometimes I suck. We sat and discussed for a good hour or so how we're going to make this new setup work. Or better yet, work the tortoise table into the room, making a new setup, that will work. More than likely we won't be able to use some furniture pieces that we were using before. I do know this, over the past year I've tried to de-clutter the house. And I'm going to try my hardest to keep it that way. It's going to take some innovation to make this room work. Obviously we went to bed with our house in disarray.

I went to bed exhausted but with my mind racing and my anxiety continued to my dreams. Dreaming about Dormitor/Torb combos (don't ask) for work, anesthetizing and performing glucose curves on animals, worrying that we're not going to make it to the family gathering because we're making an impromptu trip to Minnesota...all the while waking up every half hour, sweating my butt off. Needless to say I didn't wake up well rested. Not only that, but I woke up to a house in disarray. Why couldn't it all have been fixed while we slept overnight?

I'm excited about our family gathering today, but I can't help but think about the general stressors that come with times with family over the holidays. You know it's usually a good time, but you'll ultimately have those moments of stress.

Trying to put these feelings into words seemed impossible to me. I could see it in my head, but knew that it would translate different if I wrote it out. But I do know I feel better than you can imagine just sitting down to write it out. I'm thankful for that. Because, although I don't usually drink, at 5:30am and I was tempted to take a few sips to take that edge off. No joke. I think this was a better choice.

Hoping that my this sensory overload continues to ebb and that joy reigns over the next few days....

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