Tuesday, April 29, 2008


I have hit my next running milestone. I have surpassed 200 miles to date so far this year. I'm just as thrilled, if not more than when I hit my 100 mile mark. I know I've said it in many previous posts, but it simply amazes me when I look at how far I've come. Just awesome. It's that feeling that gives you a little high. In just 2 days I will have been running a year. I look back and compare my first full week of running (make that walking/running) and see that I had only 1.5 miles. And that was 3 runs worth! Now I'm putting out 20+ miles a week, oftentimes with the same amount of runs. I know at some point in my running "career" miles will be miles but I still have that beginners mentality of, "I can't believe I've done that!" And for now I just want to soak it up and enjoy it.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Gearing Up For The Draft

David's getting all ready for the NFL draft. His homemade egg/tuna salad has been made, an annual tradition, and he's all dressed and anxious for the draft. I cannot understand why he can get so excited over something like this, but that's okay. I just nod my head and try to understand as best as I can. He was even nice enough to make me a plain ol' batch of egg salad, minus the tuna. Yum. He's now staked out in front of the tv watching the pre-draft coverage. As for me, I'll probably find myself on the couch with one of my new books. I started Julie Andrew's "Home" last night. So far so good. Left the draft begin.

Psychotic? That's Me!

I've debated this post for awhile now. At first I didn't want to "air out my dirty laundry" but figured, eh well. Maybe it will help someone out there. Better yet, maybe I'll get some helpful information myself. Mental disorders run in my family. And I'm not just talking about my immediate family, I'm talking about my extended family as well. However, this has been a topic that's been hush hush for many years. It wasn't until the past couple years that I've found that my father, along with most of my extended family is either on a medication and/or speaks to someone about their depression/mental issues. I must say, this would've been great to know when I was in high school. There were times I felt whacked out only to tell myself, "You're overreacting. Just chill." Even after finding out a lot of my family members are being treated I still told myself, "You don't need any medication for this." In my opinion this just lead to more and more depression and anxiety.

I can't pinpoint when my problems came about. I think it was one of those things that kept piling up throughout my life, then finally just overflowed. I remember having certain nuances as a kid, especially with control. Life seems much more simple when you're a child, so in my mind, I could control most everything. For instance, a piece of debris on the carpet across the room. I'd stop watching tv, run and get it and throw it away, then run back and watch tv as though nothing happened. For almost anyone else, especially a child, this wouldn't have bothered anyone. I now know that this wasn't "normal" and understand that when I go through a cleaning rage I'm doing so because I feel I don't have control of something. Cleaning makes me feel I have control. This took me years to understand. Even still, I cannot deny those feelings and more often than not you can find me cleaning something around the house. I also see where my repetition issues may have been derived. The catholic church. I was raised in the catholic church. Going to a funeral recently I found everything was about structure and repetition, something I'd never really realized previously. When you'd go to church everything was mostly the same from week to week, with the exception of the Scripture and Homily. As a child, it made things easier to learn but it also made this structured, so anything away from structure, in my eyes, was a loss in control.

I loved my childhood. I was very lucky to be raised in a loving family. I believe this showed through my actions. I was the happy go lucky person wherever I went. Sure, I had the typical teenager issues with trying to fit in but for the most part you could find me with a smile on my face. I'm not sure when this changed. Looking back I think it started to fade my sophomore/junior year in high school. By the end of my junior year I didn't have many of the friends I had throughout my early days and I had mentally "checked out" of high school. I was done. I had lost my friends simply because I stood my ground on how I felt about controversial issues. For instance, drinking and partying. It just wasn't my thing, so I went my separate way. I continued to go to school, trying my best in my classes, but I just went through the motions.

From high school to now I still see myself as being very lucky with what I have. I still have my loving family, a loving, devoted, awesome husband, our pets that mean the world to us, we own a house, and are in a stable situation with our lives. Even with these positive things I still find myself looking on the negative side of things instead of looking on the bright side. I'm not that happy go lucky person I used to be. In addition, my "rages" make themselves present. And they are becoming more frequent. A little too frequent. It is a topic that comes up between David and myself quite often. He has continually encouraged me to seek out help. I've never denied that I have issues, I just didn't want to seek out "that" type of help. I wanted to control it myself through various activities. Running, blogging, etc. I didn't wear it as a badge of honor that I wasn't on a medication but I didn't want to rely on a medication to fix my problems. Most people that know me know that I'm not really into taking medication. My issues came to a head about a month ago. I had a meltdown and finally took the steps to getting help.

I can see why people don't get help for their problems. They don't know where to start. That'd be me. I was trying to navigate through the system, trying to determine what to do first. Should I try to find a psychologist? Just a normal doctor? My search started with psychologists/psychiatrists. When I kept hitting dead ends I scrapped that idea and went the general practitioner route. So I established myself with a family practice doctor and was happy with who I chose. I took a few tests and they pointed in the direction of biopolar/depression. Yep, I can see that in myself. To start, he put me on a medication called Symbyax. It seemed like the perfect medication....Anti-psychotic with anti-depressant. It took me a little time to acknowledge even the name anti-psychotic. I don't like to think I'm psychotic, but I am. The first day I took the medication in the morning. At exactly 2 hours I felt my body shut down. I was at work and couldn't keep my eyes open. I was slurring my words and can only compare the feeling to being drunk, even though I've never truly been drunk. It was so bad that my office manager had to drive me home. When I got home I hit the couch and was out for 4 straight hours. Not cool. The next time I took the medication I took it at night. Not too bad, but it had horrible residual effects the following day. I still couldn't keep my eyes open. I was a zombie. I continued the medication for 5 days and finally said, "Nope, this isn't for me. I'm not even myself." So much for the perfect medication. I had a recheck this week and at that time we had to determine which direction I wanted to go.....anti-psychotic or anti-depressant. We chose anti-psychotic, as that's what my tests lean so much towards. However, it's the anti-psychotic medications that cause the drowsiness. As of now I've started on Seroquel and only time will tell. I took the first dose at 7pm on Wednesday. By 10pm I couldn't keep my eyes open. Here we go again. When the medication kicks in, it kicks in. The residual effects were the same the following day. I've continued taking the medication, hoping that the side effects will get better over time. I find that if I take it by 7pm I'll be fine the next morning for work. Even so I find I'm not myself. I find that I go through actions, knowing they're wrong, but keep going. For instance, I went to throw something away in the trash and went to the basement instead. I knew it was wrong but couldn't stop myself. Also, the weekends may pose issue given that I stay up later. I'll have to adjust it as needed and hope it goes well. Once again, only time will tell.

So this leads me to my final questions. Anyone out there have recommendations? And for those that are on medications, what are you on? Please feel free to email me if you don't want to post a comment.

Friday, April 25, 2008

To Change Or Not To Change

I'm sure most everyone has heard about the recent controvery in regards to the BPA in plastic bottles. Most notably, the Nalgene bottles. They aren't all necessarily Nalgene bottles. There are so many brands out there now that I couldn't even come close to naming them. Take for instance me, I use a Swiss big plastic bottle. I'm not a proponent of bottled water due to environment issues, not to mention half the time it comes from the tap anyway, so I just fill up my bottle with normal tap water and away I go. I'm normally only a water drinker but I must say I don't come close to taking in the recommended amount of water per day. However, I've used my bottle daily over the past several years, in hopes of increasing my water intake. It's awful hard not to have a big lime green bottle catch your eye. When it catches my eye it reminds me to take a drink. I think it has helped.

So with this recent controversy I'm left with a "what do I do?" scenario. Should I keep using my bottle or just go out and buy a new type? I don't think you can deny that chemicals in general have changed our lives. Look at all the diseases out there that weren't present before. However, I can't go through my life worrying, "Will this kill me...." about every little thing. I also question so many theories out there that say this causes that. To a certain extent things are starting to become the boy who cried wolf. People are going to become immune to all of the warnings. With all that being said, I still think to myself that it's not a good idea to just push the information to the wayside. I think I've come to the conclusion that my bottle will be retired and I'll start looking for other options. Maybe a stainless steel bottle. Only, I'm sure they'll find that even those will cause some sort of disease in a couple years. Long after the damage has been done.

A Good Night For A Martini

After the early morning rain today has turned out to be a gorgeous day. I only had to work the morning shift so I got to spend some time with mom this after noon running around doing mother/daughter things. This evening David's working his second job so mom and dad came over and we got take out pizza from Eats N' Treats. While we wait for David mom and I shook up some homemade pomegranate martini's. Ahh, the weekend has arrived. Too bad the good weather's not going to stick around. It will be back though soon.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Got The Runs?

Looking for running shirts I found this......
David says, "That's you..." I must say, I agree. I may have to get this shirt.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Balancing Weight

This isn't a weightloss blog, but this is what my post shall be about today. And as with many posts I'm not sure where this will go. We'll have to see.....

Although my mother may disagree, I was a chunky kid. High cholesterol blood tests to prove it and all. I don't think I was ever "fat" but I had some extra padding and in my eyes I was always the "bigger sister." The thing is, it's not like I wasn't active. I was. And I don't remember over indulging. Or anymore than those around me. It wasn't until I broke my leg and had a controlled diet (via the hospital) that I seemed to turn the corner. Not saying that's all that did it. I think hitting a growth spurt definitely kicked my metabolism into gear. In junior high I continued riding horses, meaning I got the kickin' thighs. I can only imagine how much healthier I could have been if my diet had not consisted on Burger King as our nightly dinner stop. Those that aren't into horses will find this hard to understand but that's what our lifestyles allowed. Even with boarding the horses (having someone do most of the work) we found ourselves getting off school, getting our homework done ASAP, grabbing fastfood for dinner, and then heading immediately out to the barn, only to find the rest of the evening was spent cleaning, riding, and maintaining what we had until it was time to head home, take a quick shower, and hit the sack. I also participated in organized sports through school in junior high. None of which I took all that seriously.

In high school I don't remember much about having issues with food/weight. Meaning, I don't remember really watching what I ate and not having the problem of overeating or undereating. However, my organized sport activity decreased to only JV cheerleading my sophomore year. My first year in college wasn't an issue either. Of course I didn't go away so there was no real issue of having the "Freshman 15." Well, that was until I got married. I definitely packed on some pounds after getting married. Nothing much, but I was no longer my "premarried weight." I didn't do much activity, other than being on my feet for 12-14 hours at work. David was constantly running or participating in PT (Physical Training). However, by the time we moved to Michigan, after the Marine Corps, we had let ourselves go. We let ourselves go in a big way. I was my heaviest at 140 pounds and David at 270 pounds. Yikes. Looking back we don't have many pictures from our time in Michigan. Probably a good thing given we were at the worst health in our entire lives. By the spring (6 months later) we had fire put under our butt. Dad was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and working his butt off. Literally. He watched everything he ate and ran his bike for miles on end. Mom was evening losing weight. What an inspiration. We decided to turn our lives around. We shared our meals, decreased the massive amount of bad carbs we were taking in, and started a small exercise routine (Nothing like what we do now. Just moving more instead of sitting and watching tv.) It was amazing how the pounds started to come off.

Fast forward to winter 2006-2007. We were darn close to where we were while in Michigan. Our weights weren't as high but the lifestyle we were living was definitely on the piss poor side of things. How could I let myself get this way again? Eating anything just because I want it. It was time to change a few things. David had started running with a few guys. I read about Erika running and was so inspired. I was at a loss. It wasn't until we were at an Indians game that it clicked. Jen Pohorence and I were walking around and we said, "Let's get out and run." We set a running date and away we went. That first run was grueling. I can only describe it as painful to the 10th degree. I shouldn't even call it a run given that I didn't even make it to the corner. No joke.

I was never a runner. Could never make it once around the track. Hell, I couldn't make it 1/4 way around the track. The first day of junior high track they said, "Go!" I turned to them and had the look of, "You want me to do what?" That's when I decided, it'd be shotput and disc for me. Yeah, 5'4 Heidi. Right. That wasn't promising even before the start.

Back to the first run....I laid on the bathroom floor after the first run feeling like I was going to pass out and vomit at the same time, my lungs burning, my boobs burning as though someone was twisting my nipples trying to rip them off, with tears coming down my cheeks. What the hell was I doing to myself??? I could've stopped there. And for some ungodly reason we went out the next day again. I got the bug. I didn't care that it hurt. Actual, I did care, but I had to do it. It was now or never. I had let running get the best of me my entire life. I wasn't going to let it happen again. Not only had I started the transformation of exercising but we both changed our eating habits. Since then, over the past year, we've made a concerted effort to watch what we eat. In addition, we hold each other accountable. We don't tear each other down, but we look to each other for support.

When I started running I found it not only to be a good form of exercise but also a stress reliever. I coupled that with my nutrition habits and saw such positive effects. I not only felt good, but felt good about myself. I felt on top of the world. That was until I let my anxiety/OCD step in. I no longer just felt like I wanted to run. I HAD to run. If I didn't, it wasn't a good thing. My attitude was bad. In addition, food was a trade-off. I was in no way anorexic, trust me, but after ironically reading an article and seeing what I was doing, I could see the mentality of anorexics. Scary weird. Once again, I was not anorexic, not even close, but I held running/eating so closely. When I couldn't/didn't run I felt guilty for eating. That's why the winter has been especially difficult for me. I couldn't run, so I'd try other exercise (pilates) to take the place. It at least made me feel better that I was doing something. Something was better than nothing. In all honesty I still feel this way.

More often than not I have those around me saying things like, "Stop counting calories...." or "Live a little..." or "You're already too thin. Don't lose anymore." But those that truly know me know that I do indulge. At this very moment I'm on the more indulgement end. Straight up, this scares me. I'm scared to "relapse" again back into eating whatever I want. I find myself making excuses for myself. "Oh I ran 10 miles, I can eat that." True, when you run more, you can eat more. And true, I do need rewards here and there but I still must remind myself of moderation and to make sound choices when I eat.

Obviously I still hold running/eating closely but not as close. It's just one more thing that I'm trying to balance in my life.

Friday, April 18, 2008

10.14 Miles And Donuts

I got in a run before going into work today. It was my longest run to date at 10.14 miles and I'm darn proud of that. My previous longest run was 9.54 miles back on 2/16 when Erika was in town. It was right when my knee was starting to go. It was also right before my running mileage went downhill, due to my injury. After rest and rehabilitation I worked my way back into running. Being at over 10 miles today I feel confident in saying I'm not only back to where I was before, but also on the up and up.

I must admit my hold out of having a donut at the completion of the Cleveland 1/2 Marathon has been broken. While on my run today I made a pit stop at the 'rents to lube up my thighs with some vaseline. My poor legs were rubbed raw from not having that sort of skin on skin friction in some months. When I stopped I found my mom was home, taking a day off of work. By the time I made it back to the house, 5 miles later, I found donuts on our counter with a little note from mom. The 1/2 marathon is a month away but I still dug into the donuts and it was quite heavenly, and I was ever so grateful to my mom for going out, getting donuts, and dropping them off. Since that goal is now out the window, anyone have any other suggestions? In all honesty I don't need a goal or reward. But it's always nice to have something to look forward to. My reward will be saying, "1 year ago I couldn't make it down to the corner without feeling like I was going to fall out. Today I participated in a 1/2 marathon and finished." That's good enough for me.

Please Excuse The Interruption

I apologize for my brief hiatus from blogging. I’d like to explain….When I started a blog I just thought it’d be something fun and entertaining. In addition, I’d be able to post pictures and keep people up to date on what’s going on in our lives, especially those far away. Lives are filled with ups and downs, so I knew my rants/vents would also be posted here. I’ve lived by the mantras, “Be true to yourself” or “Be who you are,” my entire life. Although it’s much easier just to be agreeable and go with the flow, that’s not how I roll.

Since having the blog I’ve found that I do not get many comments. That’s cool with me. I don’t want/need comments. Once again, this is an outlet for me and my thoughts. I have found however that most anytime I have a “controversial” subject I always have someone there to debate my stance on an opinion or thought. I just want to get my thought(s) out there, to release it from my mind, only to find that I feel like I then have to defend my viewpoint. In addition, most times these comments are from anonymous posters, who I’m sure I do actually know, but they choose not to put their information. It’s a blog, I get it. I put my feelings out there. Anyone can read it, anyone can comment. Freedom of speech. As I’ve stated in previous posts, I don’t expect people to agree with me on everything. If that were the case the world would be a dull place, but at the same time sometimes I just want to blog and let it all out.

Back to the hiatus….I’m not going to lie, the build up of these “anonymous” comments sidelined me. I went through various emotions ranging from sadness to anger. I finally came to my realization that it was time to step back from blogging. Meaning no real posts until I had enough time to collect my thoughts and think about it with a rational mind. Throughout this time I came up with a variety of possible solutions. One-just post pictures and pretend that our lives our continuous bliss. Sorry, that’s not my way of life or thinking and to do so I believe isn’t being true to my lifelong mantra and myself. Two-not to blog and just keep a personal journal. Easy, but as stated above, one of the reasons I blog is to keep others up to date on what’s going on. Having already had people ask, “Why aren’t you blogging?” I don’t think it’s fair to leave them high and dry. In addition, I enjoy other individuals' blogs so I can only assume that there's at least one person out there that enjoys this blog in some way, and it's just one small way I can "give back." Three-Just use Twitter. I think this is a great service that allows me to post random thoughts but it doesn’t allow space for lengthy thoughts. Four-make people sign in for their comments and just let loose. Yep, this is the one I’m going to go with.

So, you may see some things changing around the blog. If you choose to post you must make an account with Google/Blogger or any of the other options listed. I apologize for the inconvenience to those that find this a hassle. I encourage those who truly want to comment and are intimidated with making an account. You can sign up without making an actual blog and the sign up process is quite simple if you follow the directions. Another change you may find is that this will be a no holds barred blog. I’m going to say what I want to say and how I want to say it. Subjects may range from running, to the weather, to my rants. They may be positive, they may be negative. They may be full of flowery language, they may contain cuss words. You can choose to read or not. You can choose to comment or not. The choice is yours. It’s time to let loose and hopefully have a little fun.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

Friday, April 11, 2008

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

The Hair's Gone

David's been talking about cutting his hair for a few days and today he came to the conclusion that it was time to go. So we took a jaunt out to the mall that voila'! It was gone. My turn is this weekend, so stay tuned. Just one way to start off the warmer months....new looks. How refreshing.

Most recent picture with Uncle Pat. This is from Christmas, (4 months ago) so his hair has since grown closer to shoulder length and dyed black with a blonde streak:


Another Landmark

With the 1/2 marathon getting closer and closer (38 days til the race) my mileage has been slowly increasing. (I've been more careful this time around due to my knee.) With my mileage increase I've been able to make up for lost mileage due to weather, for the Diabetic Challenge. After this morning's run I have now surpassed 150 miles for the year. Once again, this is may be chump mileage for some but I'm still at the point in my running "career" that everyday I get out there I'm proud of myself for trying to do something I didn't think I could do. Not only did I think that I couldn't run but I definitely never dreamed I'd be putting up the mileage I have. It's just crazy. I'm not putting out the 7-8 minute miles like some either. I'm quite happy at my pace, even if I'm the tortoise of the bunch. Hey, slow and steady. I may not win the race, but I'll finish.

In other running news, with the nicer weather David's been able to get out the past several days. He definitely seems happier being able to get out and feels good. Even in the few runs he's had he feels his pace increasing by the day. Yep, he's definitely the hare of our "team".

I see rain in our future forecast and the temps are going to drop some, but I hope that this decent weather continues over the next month.

Monday, April 07, 2008

My Next Car

I have found my next car. The Smart Car. I was never a huge fan of the small cars until I got my Aveo. Now, I love 'em. I'm sure people think they are God awful ugly and aren't too safe. I hear you, but it still doesn't stop me from liking them. They've been in Europe for years and they've made their way to America and even to our town. Back to the Aveo, I do wish I waited one more year to get my Aveo as I think they're a much better looking car now, but ah well. I call my car "The Skate." If I were to get the Smart Car, it'd be even smaller than a skate, it'd be a Heely! Not enough room to parallel park, just do a little turn. How cool is that?

Saturday, April 05, 2008

You Will Be Missed

Marilyn Butts, Dec. 5, 1924-April 3, 2008

SANDUSKY-Marilyn L. Butts, 83, of Sandusky, passed away unexpectedly early Thursday afternoon, April 3, 2008, in Firelands Regional Medical Center, Main Campus, Sandusky.

She was born in Sandusky, Dec. 5, 1924, and was a 1944 graduate of St. Mary's High School. Marilyn was a licensed hairdresser, having owned and operated Marilyn's Beauty Shop for many years, retiring in 1988.

She was a member of St. Mary's Catholic Church where she was an active volunteer. She also volunteered at the State Theatre as an usher. Marilyn was an avid fan of St. Mary's Central Catholic athletics and a true fan of all other sports.

She is survived by three sisters, Eloise Butts, Eileen Roth (Ralph) May, and Mary (Elmer) Kromer, all of Sandusky; nieces and nephews, Daleen Kennedy, Kate Murphy, Mark Roth, Marleen Kromer, Kyle Roth, Valerie Kennedy, Brad Roth, Cyndy Carey, Sharon Wilson, Julie Opfer, Patty Rimboch and Jude Roth; and numerous great and great-great-nieces and nephews.

She was preceded in death by her parents, Frederick Russell and Marcella Magdelan (Weltin) Butts; nephew, Steven Kromer; and brother-in-law, Dale "Butch" Roth.

Visitation will be from 3-7 p.m. Sunday in David F. Koch Funeral Home, 520 Columbus Ave., Sandusky. Prayers will be recited at 9:30 a.m. Monday in the funeral home followed by a Mass of Christian Burial at 10 a.m. in St. Mary's Catholic Church, 429 Central Ave., Sandusky. Burial will be in Calvary Cemetery, Sandusky.

In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to St. Mary's Catholic Church, 429 Central Avenue, Sandusky, OH 44870, or to the donor's favorite charity.

Your memories and words of comfort may be expressed at dfkoch520@aol.com.